Author: Cami Thelander
If you’ve ever experienced a profound loss, you may have wondered why grief affects so much more than your emotions.
Perhaps you’ve struggled to sleep, felt constantly on edge, forgotten simple things, lost your appetite, or noticed headaches, muscle tension, or digestive issues that seemed to appear out of nowhere.
Many grieving people ask themselves, “What’s wrong with me?”
The answer may be simpler—and far more compassionate—than you realize.
In his bestselling book, The Body Keeps the Score, psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk explains that trauma is not only remembered by the mind but is also experienced through the body. His work has helped millions of people understand that overwhelming experiences can affect the nervous system long after the event itself has passed.
While grief and trauma are not the same thing, they often overlap in meaningful ways. Understanding how the body responds to loss can help us replace fear and self-judgment with compassion and understanding.
Your Nervous System Is Always Asking One Question
One of the most important ideas in The Body Keeps the Score is that our nervous system is constantly scanning the world around us, asking one simple question:
“Am I safe?”
Most of the time, this happens without us even realizing it.
Our brains are wired to notice potential danger because that’s how we’ve survived throughout human history. When something feels threatening, our body prepares us to protect ourselves long before we’ve had time to think logically about what’s happening.
This remarkable system is designed to keep us alive.
The challenge is that our nervous system doesn’t only respond to physical danger.
It can also respond to emotional danger.
The death of someone we love, receiving a terminal diagnosis, witnessing a traumatic event, or experiencing another life-altering loss can shake our sense of safety in profound ways.
Suddenly, the world doesn’t feel as predictable as it once did, and the body notices.
Your Body Isn't Overreacting—It's Protecting You
When the nervous system senses danger, it activates familiar survival responses often described as fight, flight, or freeze.
These responses aren’t choices or personality flaws.
They’re protective responses that happen automatically.
Some grieving people become easily startled, anxious, or restless. Others throw themselves into constant activity because slowing down feels unbearable. Some feel emotionally numb, disconnected, or unable to make even simple decisions.
Without understanding what’s happening, many people begin to shame themselves.
“I should be stronger.”
“I need to stop crying.”
“Why can’t I just move on?”
But what if your body isn’t failing you?
What if it’s doing exactly what it was designed to do?
Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with me?” we can begin asking, “What is my nervous system trying to protect me from?“
That simple shift changes everything.
Why Grief Can Feel Physical
Many people think grief lives only in the heart.
In reality, grief is experienced throughout the body.
That’s why physical symptoms are so common after loss.
If you’re experiencing anxiety, your nervous system may be staying alert because it has learned that life can change in an instant.
If you’re struggling to sleep, it may be because deep rest requires a sense of safety, and your body is still adjusting to a world that feels unfamiliar.
If your appetite has changed or your stomach feels unsettled, remember that digestion often slows when the body believes its energy is needed elsewhere.
If you’re experiencing brain fog or forgetfulness, it doesn’t mean you’re “losing your mind.” Your brain is processing enormous emotional, cognitive, and physical demands all at once.
These aren’t signs that you’re grieving incorrectly.
They’re signs that your body is responding to profound loss.
Healing Begins with Safety, Not Self-Criticism
One of the greatest lessons we can take from trauma research is that healing doesn’t begin by forcing ourselves to “get over it.”
Healing begins when the body begins to experience safety again.
That doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay.
It means gently reminding your nervous system that while life has changed, this moment is safe.
Sometimes that looks like taking slow, intentional breaths.
Sometimes it’s spending time with someone who makes you feel understood.
Sometimes it’s taking a walk outdoors, noticing your surroundings, or allowing yourself to cry instead of fighting the tears.
These small moments communicate something powerful to the body:
“You don’t have to stay on high alert forever.”
Over time, the nervous system can begin to settle.
Not because grief disappears, but because safety slowly returns.
How This Shapes the Way We Support Grievers
At The Confident Grief Coach School, we believe understanding the nervous system helps us better understand grief.
That’s why our grief coaches are trained to approach every client through a trauma-informed lens.
We recognize that grief is not simply an emotional experience to be analyzed or solved. It’s a whole-person experience that affects the mind, body, and heart.
When coaches understand how the nervous system responds to loss, they’re able to meet clients with greater compassion, patience, and confidence. Instead of asking, “How do we fix this?” they learn to ask, “How do we create conditions where healing becomes possible?”
That shift changes the coaching relationship.
It allows grieving people to feel seen rather than judged.
Supported rather than rushed.
Safe rather than alone.
And often, that’s where healing begins.
If you’re navigating grief, know this: your body is not working against you. It is responding to one of life’s most difficult experiences in the way it was designed to respond. Understanding those responses can be the first step toward greater self-compassion and healing.
If you’d like support from someone who understands both the emotional and physical impact of grief, we invite you to explore our directory of Certified Confident Grief Coaches.
And if reading this has awakened something in you—a desire to become that steady, compassionate presence for others—our next Confident Grief Coach School certification begins this September. You’ll learn the B.R.E.A.T.H.E. Coaching Model for Grief™, develop a trauma-informed understanding of loss, and gain the confidence to guide others with compassion, structure, and hope.
Because healing doesn’t begin when grief ends.
It begins when someone feels safe enough to take the next step forward.