By: Cami Thelander, Certified Grief Coach, Community Engagement Leader, Confident Grief Coach School
When you hear the word grief, what comes to mind?
For many of us, it’s the death of someone we love. And certainly, that is one of the most profound ways we experience grief.
But grief has many faces, and they’re not all related to death.
It can be the end of a marriage or a friendship that has changed. It can come with infertility, estrangement, retirement, the loss of a job, a move away from home, or changes in our health or independence.
We can grieve a role we once held. An identity that no longer fits. A relationship we hoped would be different. A future we pictured for ourselves that isn’t going to happen quite the way we imagined.
Sometimes there are ceremonies, cards, meals and people checking in.
And sometimes there is simply a person trying to adjust to something meaningful that has changed.
Both can be grief.
We Don't Have to Compare Grief
One of the things that can make grief especially difficult is our tendency to compare it.
Someone else has been through worse.
Well, it wasn’t a death.
I should be grateful for what I still have.
Why am I having such a hard time when someone else seems to be doing fine?
We may hear these messages from other people, but we can also say them to ourselves. The problem with comparison is that it asks us to measure something deeply personal that just can’t be quantified.
What was lost? What did it mean to this person? What changed because of it?
Those questions are far more helpful than asking whether one person’s loss is greater or smaller than someone else’s.
Grief doesn’t have to earn its place at the table – It all counts.
When something or someone important to us is lost or changed, we may grieve. And acknowledging that experience can help us begin to understand what we need as we learn to live with what is different. No comparison needed.
Grief Doesn't Follow a Calendar
We often rally around people immediately after a loss. We check in. We offer help. We remember important dates.
Then life keeps moving.
But grief doesn’t necessarily move at the same pace.
It can show up months or years later. It can surface around an anniversary or during an ordinary Tuesday afternoon. It may change over time, becoming less present in one season and more noticeable in another.
There is no single timeline that tells us when someone should be “done” grieving. Grief isn’t something to be completed and certainly doesn’t follow neat stages that lead to a day when we’re finished grieving.
That’s why grief awareness needs to be part of our everyday lives.
It can look as simple as remembering that the person who experienced a loss last year may still appreciate being asked how they’re doing. It can mean listening without immediately trying to make something better. It can mean recognizing a non-death loss instead of dismissing it as “less than” the loss of a life.
And it means allowing another person’s grief to look different from our own and catching ourselves if judgments arise.
This Is Where Grief Coaches Can Make a Difference
For grief coaches, understanding the many faces of grief is an important part of the work.
Someone may come to us following a death. But they may also be navigating divorce, caregiving, career change, estrangement, changes in health, or another significant transition.
Grief coaching isn’t about fixing grief or providing a timetable for moving forward.
It’s about knowing how to be present with someone while also offering compassionate structure to help them meet their needs. An effectively trained grief coach learns to listen differently, ask meaningful questions, recognize what may be underneath a client’s experience, and help them explore what moving forward can mean for them.
That combination of compassion and skill matters.
Because people who are grieving don’t only need support on certain dates or immediately after a loss.
They need people who understand that grief can continue to be part of life, and they need resources to be able to navigate all the changes that come with loss.
Becoming More Grief-Aware, Every Day
Perhaps becoming more grief-aware begins by changing the questions we ask and noticing when grief-comparison arises.
Instead of Should they still be grieving? we can ask, What might they be carrying today?
Instead of Was the loss significant enough? we can ask, What did this loss mean to them?
And instead of feeling pressure to find the perfect words, we can listen.
We may not be able to change what someone has lost. But we can become better at walking alongside people as they navigate what comes next.
And for some of us, that becomes more than something we offer to friends, family or colleagues.
It becomes a calling…
If you feel drawn to supporting people within grief, loss, and life transitions, becoming a grief coach can help you pair your compassion with practical skills, structure and confidence.
Learn more about The Confident Grief Coach School and our grief coaching certification program. Through the B.R.E.A.T.H.E. Coaching Model for Grief™ and hands-on practice, students learn how to support others with compassion, clarity and confidence.
Visit HealingFamilyGrief.com for more information.