By Pat Sheveland, Founder & Lead Faculty, The Confident Grief Coach School
The holidays have a way of stirring up emotions that may have been quietly residing in the deepest recesses of our hearts. The bright lights, the familiar songs and the rituals we’ve carried for years can feel like a soft, warm blanket one moment and a rough, painful reminder that our loved one is no longer physically with us.
Every year, I find myself slowing down a little bit more and it’s not just because I am getting older. It is important for me to take the time to pause and think of all my family and friends who are no longer here with me. It’s my way of acknowledging that within this season of traditions, there is a profound opportunity to honor…to remember and to reconnect, weaving our loved ones into the fabric of our celebrations in ways that are meaningful.
Last month, I was pleasantly surprised to see a Facebook post from my nephew on the anniversary of his dad (my brother)’s death. He posted a picture of a table he had filled with candles, pictures and meaningful objects that signified my brother’s life. There were items ranging from his high school graduation photo to his chef knives to the movies he liked to watch. Seeing this honoring “table” allowed me to acknowledge and honor all facets of my brother’s life.
Honoring our loved ones: A practice as old as humanity
Across the world and throughout history, rituals have been created within various cultures to keep the connection to our loved ones alive, especially during meaningful seasons and holidays.
Within our B.R.E.A.T.H.E. Coaching Model for Grief™ training, we recognize that culture plays a meaningful role in how a client processes their grief. We encourage coaches to honor the traditions clients may use to remember their loved one and to support themselves through such tender moments.
For example, Yahrzeit candles may be lit on the anniversary of a loved one’s death, symbolizing the eternal flame of their soul. During holidays like Rosh Hashanah or Passover, Jewish families often speak the names of relatives who have died before beginning their meal.
For Latino families, they may create altars (ofrendas) decorated with marigolds, candles, photos, and favorite foods of loved ones. It is believed that the living and the dead share space for that moment in time.
In Chinese and Vietnamese Cultures, families may burn incense, offer food or bow in gratitude before ancestral altars.
Kwanzaa emphasizes honoring ancestors through libations, storytelling, and lighting the Kinara and many African cultures will hold ancestor feasts, where they leave a serving of food as a gesture of respect.
From European cultures to many indigenous communities, personal and more modern rituals are often created to remember and to allow the grief to be present.
Here are a few ideas if you are looking for a special way to remember your loved one(s) this holiday season:
- Hanging a special ornament on your tree
- Playing their favorite song
- Cooking their favorite holiday dish
- Setting a place at the table
- Creating a memory box
- Writing a letter and placing it under the tree
- Going outside to watch the sunrise and whisper a loving message into the cold morning air
Please remember – there is no “right” way to honor. There is only your way (and that way may be doing absolutely nothing).
What about complicated grief?
For many, holiday grief doesn’t just come from the death of our loved one. It can be complicated from circumstances leading up to your loved one’s death or it may come from non-death grieving.
It can come from estrangement.
It can come from unresolved pain.
It can come from families who are not emotionally reachable.
It can come from relationships that feel broken, confusing or permanently changed.
This kind of grief has its own sharp edges.
When the season arrives and the cultural expectation is “togetherness,” the ache of aloneness can feel especially heavy. If you find yourself here, please know you are not failing at the holidays. You are navigating a complicated human experience with as much strength as you can.
To honor yourself when facing complicated grief, here are a few ideas for you:
Choose connections that support versus deplete you. If being around certain people increases your pain, you have permission to decline invitations. You also have permission to choose “found family” – the people who show up with love, not obligation.
Set emotional boundaries. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to “be cheerful.” You don’t have to explain your grief to anyone.
Give yourself a symbolic anchor. This might be:
- Lighting a candle for yourself each night
- Wearing a piece of jewelry that reminds you of strength
- Stepping outside to breathe in fresh air and feel the support of the earth beneath your feet
Let yourself receive. If someone offers a kindness like an invitation, a meal or a listening ear, let yourself take it in. Receiving support is an act of honoring yourself.
As we move forward during this holiday season, my invitation to you is simple:
Find one way – just one – to honor the love that still lives within you.
And find one way to honor yourself.
Your grief deserves attention.
Your love deserves expression.
Your heart deserves gentleness.
Honoring is not about pretending the loss isn’t real.
It’s about acknowledging that your love has not ended – it has transformed.
And in that transformation, we discover a quiet kind of companionship… one that carries us through the long winter nights and reminds us that no matter how much has changed, connection is still possible – within us, around us and beyond us.