Author: Cami Thelander
An intimate reflection on cancer, anticipatory grief, and the ways illness can transform our relationships, our priorities, and our understanding of life.
When Cancer Becomes Part of Your Family's Story
Earlier this year, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.
This isn’t my family’s first experience with cancer, though. My mom’s late husband, my stepdad, had prostate cancer and died about 14 years ago. His journey through illness and eventual death deeply shaped my understanding of health, life, and death from a young age.
Over the years, I have encountered countless friends, family members, and peers who have been affected by cancer. The clients I work with as a grief coach often have cancer-related losses they are grieving. I can personally name many people who have either lived through a cancer diagnosis and treatment or are currently receiving treatment and living with the daily reality of their illness.
My partner, a pediatric nurse, cares for little ones with cancer. My aunt, who worked at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, spent her career in cancer research, dedicated to learning more about the nature of this disease.
But my story isn’t unique. Cancer touches so many families, whether directly or indirectly, in some way. It is, unfortunately, a very real part of our human experience. Although there are many factors that can contribute to the development of cancer, I won’t get into the possible causes here. It’s just not that simple.
The one thing I have learned about cancer is how complex, nuanced, and impactful this experience can be. For those who are living with it, for the caregivers and family members witnessing their loved one’s illness, and for the entire care team showing up to support the person through treatment, cancer can change nearly every aspect of life.
When a New Diagnosis Awakens Old Grief
I have personally experienced the profound grief of walking with my stepfather as he journeyed through many years of treatment, riding the waves of hope and despair, leaning on faith, and depending on prayer when there was no more we could do to heal his physical body.
His transition from this earth felt like a relief, in some way, knowing that he no longer needed to fight the battle that had exhausted his spirit and stolen his energy.
He was finally free.
So when my mom nervously shared that she had found a lump in her breast and was getting a biopsy, that familiar fear returned to our family. And with it came a deep level of heartbreak when the results came back positive.
It was, indeed, the beginning of another journey with cancer.
For me, this news brought a new experience of grief. A grief intertwined with my past experiences of losing a father figure, and a totally unfamiliar layer of anticipatory grief that came with the unknowns of how cancer would affect my mom.
I found myself spinning with thoughts of what the worst-case scenario could be, picturing my life as an adult orphan in my 30s, wondering how much time I would have left with my one remaining parent.
For weeks, I carried this news with anxiety and uncertainty. I struggled to focus and, at times, felt disconnected from my daily life.
While my body wanted nothing to do with this new reality, my inner child called me into deep reflection and demanded a witnessing of grief that I didn’t even know had been residing within me.
Grief that this new cancer diagnosis had awakened.
This is something I have come to understand more deeply through my personal experiences and my work as a grief coach: a new experience of grief can awaken the grief of losses we have carried for years.
Sometimes, what we are grieving is not only what is happening in the present moment, but also what we remember, what we fear, and what we have already lost.
As I write this, my mom is currently in Mexico receiving a nontraditional type of treatment that she feels hopeful about. We are praying that this treatment will support her healing, while recognizing that its effectiveness currently remains uncertain.
Our whole family is riding that emotional roller coaster of anticipation and hope as we await the results and learn what comes next.
Cancer Is a Transformative Force
From the perspective of a daughter who has witnessed the impact of cancer on her mother and stepfather, among other peers, family members, and clients, there is one thing that cancer has taught me.
Cancer is a transformative force.
It can change the way we relate to our bodies and the relationship we have with ourselves.
It can make us question our choices and invite us to consider how we want to care for ourselves.
It can offer an opportunity to deeply reflect, to heal parts of ourselves, and to leave behind aspects of our lives that are no longer sustainable.
It can give us the chance to reconnect with what is truly important to us.
It can shift our values and allow the things that no longer feed our souls to fall away.
It can crack us open and take our guard down. It can show us that we can’t do everything alone and challenge us to receive the loving care of others.
Cancer can also feel like a fire moving through our lives, changing everything in its path.
There is something about this image that reminds me of the Phoenix, a magnificent being that rises from the ashes, transformed by the fire it has endured.
The fire is destructive, and yet, within the ashes, there can also be the possibility of something new.
Not because the destruction was necessary or deserved, but because we, as human beings, sometimes discover new parts of ourselves in the midst of experiences we never would have chosen.
And yet, not everyone gets the opportunity to rebuild their lives after cancer. For some, the physical toll of the disease is simply too great. For others, the transformation may be quieter, found in moments of connection, acceptance, love, or spiritual reflection.
There is no single way this experience unfolds.
Making Space for Both Grief and Transformation
While I believe that there is not always a “reason” or meaning behind what happens, I do see how cancer can become an opportunity to drastically change things in our lives.
I am not implying that anyone deserves to get cancer, or that somehow someone needed to get sick in order to turn their life around.
Cancer is horrible. It can bring immense suffering, uncertainty, and loss.
And at the same time, I have witnessed people find unexpected blessings within their experience. Some recognize its transformative nature and allow it to shape their lives, deepen their relationships, and feed their spirit.
Others may not experience cancer this way at all, and that is equally worthy of acknowledgment and compassion.
I think there gets to be room for it all.
There is space for the grief.
Space for the agony.
Space for the love.
And space for the healing.
We don’t have to choose between acknowledging the devastation and recognizing the moments of beauty that may exist alongside it.
We can hold both.
As a grief coach, I believe this is one of the most important gifts we can offer someone navigating grief: the space to experience their reality without needing to change it, explain it, or find meaning before they are ready.
Sometimes, simply being present with what is can be a profound act of love.
What Cancer Cannot Take Away
My mom has a sticky note in her room with a message about the things cancer cannot take away:
Cancer is limited…
It cannot cripple Love.
It cannot shatter Hope.
It cannot corrode Faith.
It cannot destroy Peace.
It cannot kill Friendship.
It cannot suppress Memories.
It cannot silence Courage.
It cannot invade the Soul.
It cannot steal Eternal Life.
It cannot conquer the Spirit.
It speaks to this Phoenix energy of transformation amidst destruction and reminds me that, even when illness changes so much of our physical reality, there are parts of the human experience that can continue to sustain us.
Love. Hope. Faith. Peace. Friendship. Memories. Courage.
And for those who find comfort in spirituality, the enduring nature of the soul and spirit.
I don’t know what the future holds for my mom or for our family. But I do know that these are the things we continue to lean into as we navigate the uncertainty together.
And perhaps that, too, is part of the transformation.
Honoring Every Journey Through Cancer
In recognition of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I want to honor those who are journeying with breast cancer or who have been impacted by breast cancer in some way.
I feel that it’s important to recognize that each person’s path is unique, filled with their own experiences of grief, uncertainty, hope, and healing.
There is so much deep work happening beneath the surface as cancer changes the body, shifts relationships, and touches the spirit.
It is a process that deserves our full attention and presence.
As a grief coach, and as a daughter to a mom with breast cancer, it is truly an honor to walk alongside those impacted by this disease.
I invite you to take a moment to honor and recognize the people in your life who have been transformed by cancer.
Remember that there is often so much more happening beneath the surface than we may ever know.
We may not fully understand their fears, their hopes, their private moments of grief, or the ways their lives are changing.
But we can show up.
We can listen.
We can make space for their experience, without expecting them to find the positive or make meaning of what they are going through.
And above all, we can hold them, and all that they are carrying, with loving tenderness.
Because whether cancer brings transformation, loss, healing, or a complex mixture of it all, every person deserves to have their experience witnessed with compassion.