By: Cami Thelander, Certified Grief Coach
If you’ve lost someone you love, you know how disorienting grief can be.
Have you ever felt crazy for thinking your person might walk through the door, even when you know they’re not physically here? Or you went to call them and then felt crushed when you remembered that they will never pick up the phone?
Years after my dad died, I thought I saw him in public.
For a second, I became excited to see him again. I was flooded with warmth and goosebumps about the familiarity of a man I missed so much. And then my heart sank like a rock to the pit of my stomach.
Of course that wasn’t him. He’s dead.
I felt embarrassed and ashamed when I realized that this stranger I had been staring at from afar was not my dad, it was just someone who looked a lot like him. Someone who was still alive.
My grief hit me like a train. Not only did I feel the weight of immense sadness about my dad still being dead, but I also felt “crazy”.
How could I even think for a moment that it could be him? I KNOW he died. Yet somehow I still look for him. I still expect to see him in the crowd.
If you have experienced something like this, I want you to hear me clearly:
You are not crazy. You are grieving.
What Happens in the Brain When We Grieve
Research in neuroscience, including the work shared in The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O’Connor, helps explain why moments like this happen.
When we love someone, our brain builds deep attachment pathways. They become part of our internal map of the world. Our brain predicts their presence – at the dinner table, in the passenger seat, on the other end of the phone.
The brain is always predicting what comes next, and naturally wants to predict your person being there, like they always have been. Which is why it feels so painful every time we expect them to be there, and then remember that they’re gone.
Longing also makes sense neurologically. When someone we love is part of our daily life, their presence regulates us. After loss, the brain still “seeks” them. That seeking can feel like yearning, aching, searching, or thinking we see them in public.
Again – you’re not crazy. It’s the way your brain responds to loss, and it’s a form of love continuing in a world that has changed.
When someone dies, your heart may understand it. But the brain takes longer to update.
So when you think you see them…
When you instinctively reach for your phone…
When you momentarily forget they’re gone…
That isn’t denial or weakness.
Your brain is rewiring.
Your attachment system is adapting.
Your internal map of the world is being redrawn.
This is not something you “get over.”
Grief is the process of the brain slowly learning an entirely new reality of the world without your person, and that takes time. When we understand the science behind grief, we stop judging ourselves for the very human process of grieving.
Why Understanding the Brain Changes Everything
There is something profoundly relieving about understanding what is happening inside your brain when you grieve.
When you learn that your brain is wired for attachment…
When you realize it is constantly predicting the presence of the person you love…
When you understand that reaching for your phone or scanning a crowd for their face is a neurological pattern, not a sign that you are losing your mind…
Shame begins to soften.
So many grieving people quietly ask themselves, “What is wrong with me?”
But the better question is, “What is my brain trying to adjust to?”
Understanding the grieving brain gives language to experiences that often feel isolating and frightening. It helps you see that your reactions are not irrational – they are human. Your mind is not broken. It is adapting to a world that no longer includes someone who shaped your safety, your rhythms and your identity.
That validation alone can be transformative.
And for many grievers, it awakens something else – a desire to offer that same validation to others. When you know firsthand how powerful it is to hear, “You’re not crazy. This is how the brain works,” you may feel called to become that steady, informed presence for someone else.
If you are grieving, I hope you can hold onto this truth: you are not crazy. Your brain is adapting to a loss it never wanted to experience and what you are feeling makes sense.
If learning this brings you even a small sense of relief, imagine being able to offer that same relief to someone else.
At The Confident Grief Coach School, we train and certify grief coaches using the B.R.E.A.T.H.E. Coaching Model™ – blending compassion, structure with the science of grief. Our evidence-based approach helps our students confidently support others while honoring their own lived experience.
Many of our students begin as grievers themselves. They know the disorientation. They know the waves. And they feel called to turn their pain into purpose.
If that calling resonates with you, we would be honored to walk alongside you.
Learn more about our grief coaching certification and discover how understanding the grieving brain can become part of the way you support others with heart-centered confidence and credibility.